While waiting for a colleague who transacts small loading business with me, thoughts popped-up while I was chewing my chicken steak. I suddenly discern on "what ifs" that transpired from a conversation with my husband last night when we were having fun chatting with her high school classmates and perusing some photos including that of her ultimate crush in high school.
My husband is a relatively good man. Well, of course he has his own weaknesses just like anybody else. But that, too, is relative. People view the same thing in many different ways because we see things as we are and not as how they really are. I wanted to reiterate my colleague's favorite line, "The eyes cannot see what the mind does not know". In retrospect to mine, I see him as good.
Going back to the thought, I asked myself, what if my husband pursued his interest to his crush and married her before we met? He had told me long ago about his crush that she is intelligent, humble, refined, and of course, beautiful. And as I got the chance to see her pictures on line and read some comments from their high school friends, I could really see that his description of her was true. And I believe that they could have been a good couple.
I am not jealous. I am open-minded and kind of liberated. I believe everything will be alright as long as we will be honest to ourselves and to our partners. We can always come up with a win-win agreements and help each other out if we keep our cool and have time to sit and talk sincerely about the situation. As of now, I am still open for any possibilities of anything, at least.
Thinking that way does not mean that I regret having married to my husband nor did I want to separate from him. It's just that, if he could have married his crush, I could also have been married to my desire to serve other people in need by being a nun. When I was in college, I thought I heard the calling. I thought God called me to serve Him by serving others through a congregation as an instrument to be able to reach out to the less fortunate. But, all of a sudden, a man, so persistent, came in. It was a whirlwind love affair, if it can be called one because I did not say yes to him...not until we were in the altar uttering our vows in front of many people and God. Being married, my desire to help others would remain a wish..not unless we will have a turn-around in our financial situation. I've got to think of my children first before anyone else. They still have a very long way to go. When I see some people needing help, all I could do is murmur a prayer to God to bless them. I am helpless, that's all I can afford.
As time passed and my cellphone rang, it was my colleague and I came to my senses. Then I wanted to complete the reflection and just comfort myself with the thought that, maybe, it's just that I did not comprehend God's masterplan. I hope that later, I will know why He puts me where I am now because I believe that nothing is just mere coincidence. Everything happens for a reason and His will be done. In His time, I might be able to discern about it.
God Bless Us All!
